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Sometimes when dung happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience

more than just you've, taken a dung. Here are some dung definitions to help you

explain the situation better to your friends and family...

Ghost dung

You know you've dung. There's dung on the toilet paper, but no dung in the bowl.

Teflon Coated dung

Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of dung

on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!

Gooey dung

This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still

doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you

don't stain it. This dung leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

Second Thought dung

You're all done wiping your ass and you're about to stand up when you

realize've got some more.

Pop a Vein in Your Forehead dung

This kind is the kind of dung that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until

you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Bali Belly dung

You dung so much you lose 5 pounds.

Right Now dung

You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out

before you get your pants down.

King Kong or Commode Choker dung

This dung is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you

break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of dung

usually happens at someone else's house.

Wet Cheeks dung

This dung hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass wet.

Wish dung

You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no dung!

Cement Block or Oh dung ...dung

You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you dung.

Snake dung

This dung is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least 3 feet long.

Cork dung (Also Known as Floater dung)

Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. On NO! How do I

get rid of it? This dung usually happens at someone else's house.

Mexican Food dung (also called Screamers)

You'll know it's alright to eat again when your not a very nice person stops burning.

Beer Drunk dung

This happens the day after the night before. Normally your dung doesn't

smell too bad, but this dung is BAD, and it left skid marks. Usually there's

somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of dung also

usually happens at someone else's house.

The Frightened Turtle

The kind of dung that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in

The Bungee dung

The kind of dung that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water.

The Ring of Fire dung

The kind of dung where you eat really spicy food and your not a very nice person feels like

the inside of a cigarette lighter.

The Crippler

The kind of dung where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go

numb from the waist down.

The Big Bobber

The kind of dung that no matter how many times you flush it always floats

back to the surface.

The dungty dungty Bang Bang

The kind of dung that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Incredible Hulk dung

The king of dung that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands

to twice it's normal size.

The Jack the Ripper dung

The kind of dung that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out.

The Party Pooper

The giant dung you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch

in horror as the water starts to rise.

The Toxic Gas dung

The kind of dung that makes you pass out and fall off the toilet before you

finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.

Dirty Bowl dung

The kind of dung that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of

an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet

bowl and seat.

The Windy City dung

When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to

take a dung.

Oh dung! dung

You dung so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of toilet paper

and you say OH dung!

The Never Ending dung

It's the dung that keeps running out of your ass like pea, and just when you

start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and splash, more dung runs out.

This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Ouch That Hurt dung

The type of dung that leaves you feeling like you just hoped onto a bicycle

without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.

And the dump list...

I'm sure that upon reading this, you'll nod your head in agreement as you

will all have experienced most, if not all of the scenarios listed. If you

haven't you need more fiber.....

The Perfect Dump

Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a

real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is

a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the

splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet

tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all

is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.

The Beer Dump

Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many

beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister,

lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close

the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.....

The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)

Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day

stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the

Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a Japanese Flag".

The Empty Roll Dump

Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty

cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use

the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the

rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion

that every "empty roll dumper " must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer

cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could

always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!

The Splash Back Dump

This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that

washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now your wet -

and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back. Tip of

the day: blot instead of wiping.

The Childbirth Dump

This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for

this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and

then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your

loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies

trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do: 1.

Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to

help you get through it.

The Machine Gun Dump

Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when

suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility

like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a

Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16.... damn commies.

The Sound Effect Dump

You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are

within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the

disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the

precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Drop

loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite


The Cling-On Dump

You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip

the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little

bastard just hands there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between

you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.......

The Whole Roll Dump

No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll

and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer

waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything

will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.

The Encore Dump

Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to

leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must

therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores.....

The Houdini Dump

You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the

pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can

guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person

who comes in.

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